Why is it possible to be stopped up and have a runny nose at the same time? The sore throat and dry-but-phlegm-producing cough are getting pretty old too. Is it feed a cold and starve the flu or feed the flu and starve a cold-oh wait... I last ate 12 days ago and wont eat anything I can chew again for  10 more days yet... then I can try a soft-cooked egg, non-fat refried beans, or cottage cheese. Hmm, chewing there is still optional... lets look further ahead. In 18 days I can begin trying to work foods I would chew back into my diet.  I should mark my calendar.

Meanwhile, I think my 2 year old is trying to skip meals now because Daddy isn't eating. But buddy-boy, how am I supposed to live vicariously through you if neither of us are eating?  I think I'm going to go play some pac-man.

Divine piggy

Yesterday I made my 2 year old a half Brobeck's-ham-salad sandwich for breakfast.  He ate about 2 bites and said he didn't want any more, he wanted some of my Jello instead.  I shared a few bites of my jello with him and asked if he was going to finish his sandwich, because if not we would have to throw it away.  "I do it!" he said, then tossed it in the garbage.  That stung a little. The ham salad from Brobeck's Barbeque is nearly a sacred thing. Prior to my mandatory diet, I would have finished it for him.

I made him another one today, which he ate entirely.  I noted how difficult it is to serve the ham salad to others without being able to partake. I could never work for Doug Brobeck now. Another challenge from today was the aroma of dinner in the oven.  It was basically a crust-less quiche; eggs, sausage, cheese, some kale, and seasoning. The wafting scent was mouthwatering... and I had some more chicken stock. All of my whey isolate today was well blended and cold; both make it more palatable.  I'm pretty sure the makers meant for it to be mixed with milk instead of water...   Hmm...  Might try it with orange flavored G2 Gatorade to see if it comes out ANYTHING AT ALL like the creamsicle Rum-orade I used to drink on the float trip... That sounds like a plan!

I must have plenty of protein in my system, I seem to be eliminating some of it when I urinate, as evidence by the exceptional frothy foam that now sometimes develops. It may have been in part because I hadn't had any actual water yet at that point in the day - just Jell-o, whey protein, and chicken stock. I drank 4 glasses of water and 2 bottles of water since, plus more of the proteiny things.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have a co-worker over to do some electrical work.  He's made plans to show up here about 10 times, and has made it out twice. Once to scope it out, and once to put in a 1/2 days worth of work. I'm not terribly confident he'll be here tomorrow.

Savor the Flavor

Well, I weighed in today and after nearly 3 food-less days (2 full days of a liquid diet and 1 day where I had to fast prior to a blood draw the day before my diet officially started, so just dinner that night) My undressed, post-potty weight this morning was 370.0, down from 397 dressed... hmm, what did I have in my pockets at the Doctor's office?

This morning the first thing I ate was one cup of Jello then I nuked up a mug of our homemade chicken stock.  I knew we didn't salt it when we made it, so I added plenty to my mug and mixed it in...  too much. It was like licking the flavor packet out of a pack of chicken ramen. Diluted it with about another 3/4 mug of stock and it was about right.  The chicken stock may be the most satisfying thing I've "eaten" so far on this liquid diet, and I think I get why.  There was two major differences between the stock and everything else.  First, it was hot.  My first hot meal in days. Second, it was savory. My protein powder has a vanilla flavor and all the jello is sweetened fruit flavors. Before all of this, I was always more prone to pick savory, meaty foods over desserts.  I like candy, icecream, pie, cake, et. al., but would usually choose another helping of meat and potatoes instead.

The Hunger Games - Day 2.

Today's high in KC was 70* with an expected overnight low of 40*
Tomorrow's forecast: high of 45*
Snow this weekend.

Well, today continued to suck... but it's sucking with a purpose.

Being on an all liquid diet means I used the restroom at each break today at work, and twice at the restaurant, and when I got home.  Food has perforated, penetrated, and permeated every thought today. I am an addict, I have no doubt. I wonder if food withdraw has any of the same symptoms that other drugs withdraws present. Food is a drug: a chemical substance used in the treatment, cure, prevention, or diagnosis of disease or used to otherwise enhance physical or mental well-being. I got Demian pretty good when he was popping cheezits like pills earlier today and I deadpaned, "Are you really just going to eat those in front of me right now?"  The bug-eyed look on his face when he was suddenly guilt-stricken for eating in front of the fat-man-stuck-on-an-all-liquid-diet was deliciously satisfying.  I only let him just begin his stammering apology before I let him know I was just messing with him.

My constant fat-man hunger gave way to EAT-YOU-DAMN-FOOL about 12:30 today... my lunch break wasn't until 1:40.  Next work day I need to consume something during my first break, I think. But nothing that takes too long to prepare and ingest, because I gotta leave time for peeing, too. My poor kidneys are going to have the biggest workout of their life.

The protein drink I mixed up at work today was the worst one yet. I couldn't get the clumps out... but my mustache strained the largest offenders from the mix... felt like it was full of boogers. I ripped several hairs out vigorously attacking the goop with a paper towel afterwards.  The peach jell-o was acceptable though.

Old Chicago wasn't awful. The waitress we've gotten most often recently, is a gal from my graduating class who, like me, was heavy then and as struggled with it since, and we had warned her about my dietary restrictions.  She's so proud of me. I'm an inspiration. She started a new weight management plan this week.  Anyway. My 3 glasses of ice-tea is on the okay list and I dumped some protein powder into a glass of water and choked that down, too. I let Matt and Ally, and James and Beth in on the fact that bariatric was looming. After dinner Sean and Xander played and played. They had a grand time together, really.

And for those of you who really want TMI, this morning marked the switchover to loose stools. Just one more indignity and discomfort to endure in order to make serious change a reality. My future holds far fewer broken toilet seats than my past. No more leaning against a car and collapsing it's fender. No more riding without buckling up because the seat belts won't fit. I can hardly imagine what an airline flight would be like without an extended girth-strap. The ability to slip between people in a crowd. Room for comfort at concerts, movies and live events -- which reminded me that Weird Al tickets are for sale... Hmm... $260 ea. for guaranteed seating in 1st 5 rows, center section, with a meet-and-greet with Al plus some signed merchandise. Tempting, but my wife might revolt... I should discuss this one with her.

I think I'll go enjoy the sublime torture of a litany of Weird Al food songs accompanied by belly rumbles before bed tonight!

Shot in KC - (c)2013 JMRjr

The journey of a thousand miles

Dr's visit yesterday was stupid.
I was an hour early, after having dropped off the boys at daycare.
I signed in, filled out some paper work.  About 20 minutes before my appointment they call me back to draw blood for my labs. Phlebotomist gushed about how great a vein she'd found to draw from... then missed. Eventually she has her vials full and I am back in the waiting room, waiting. 20 minutes after my appointment they call me back... but it's a doctors office, so there is nothing unexpected about that. They take my weight. 397lbs, dressed. That's 12 lbs heavier than was when I checked myself last week in my skimmies... but I don't think sweats and a tee weigh all that much, so I'm going to say this "last hurrah" eating may have been a little out of hand. They take my blood pressure and the nurse tells me the doc will be in to see me in a bit. After about 20 minutes of cell phone games pass, the nurse comes back in and says she needs this room to preform EKGs, since it has a table, and they are moving me to a room that doesn't have one. It's more than 30 minutes after that when Doctor Hoehn comes in to see me. "So, looks like we have you booked for the 10th. You start your liquid diet yet? Sounds great. You got any questions for me? Well then, lets knock this thing out of the park! See you in 2 weeks."
Couldn't I have handled that by phone.  I realize you had to draw labs today, but I really could have left after that.  Oh well.

For the next two weeks the most solid thing I'll be eating is Jell-O.  I have vanilla flavored Whey Isolate protein powder, that I can tell I'll be sick of by the end of this, to replace meals. And I am to consume no less than 64oz of "clear fluids" each day... and sugar-free Jell-O counts as a "clear fluid" but somehow vodka and light rum do not. Also on the OK list are broths, sugar-free sports drinks, crystal light and it's ilk, Iced tea, and of course, water.

Day one of that unpleasantness is nearly behind me  now. It was a day at home, feeding the kids without eating. Tomorrow I brave working in a grocery store with a food court, and going out to a restaurant without eating for the first time.

I'm told they will surgically remove my appetite at the end of this two weeks. If successful, a hungerectomy would exercise the greatest personal demon I face.  Not the only one, but the most critical.  I'm told that if I stick to the plan, that I could conceivably be a 200lb man someday. I'm not certain I can wrap my head around what that would be like. How that would feel.

Consumption has been tied to my identity so long, some of my friends are worried they won't know how to relate to me once I can no longer finish a pint of beer in less than a second... Sometimes their fondest memories of me where when I finished 10 of McDonald's double cheeseburgers though "Dave the Cave" thew in the towel after just 8 (one of mine was actually a triple... probably a mistake, surely the cook wasn't taking sides or placing bets); when I ate a third Chipotle burrito because the manager said It'd be on the house if I could. 2 1/2 large pizzas. 75 hotwings. 12 "blazin" wings in 42 seconds. Piles of this, gobs of that... times I had turned eating and drinking into an event.

In our highschool video it was nerds vs. jocks. I had some of the trappings of both sides, but really fit in better with the geeks, dweebs and dorks. So that's the side I was cast on, and in the training montage before the big showdown, my staring role was "no... no more... I can't... no..." and another nerd coaxing me on and handing me a snickers, which I shove in my face, gnash 3 or for times, then swallow mostly whole, as it pans out an you see piles of wrappers littering the area. That's what people think of when they think of me.

I was the slow fat kid on the swim team - the one leaving people gasping "why do Speedos even come in that size?" I got prank calls at home about that. In grade school, a nemesis of mine had taunted and teased me enough on one afternoon bus ride that I blew. I pinned him against the wall of the bus and punched him in the chest ribs and torso three, four, five times. "hit me again with those fat dough-y fists!" he chided. Instead of obliging I grabbed his head and rapped it against the window, spider-webbing the glass. Just then the bus driver pulled me off of him. Mom had to take me to school for 2 weeks. She was pissed.

My best friend in grade school was quite athletic. Along with being one of the fastest and strongest kids in our grade he could jump the highest and the farthest.  In an era of Michael Jordan worship, my buddy took the moniker "Air Rich." His heavy side kick? "Ground Mike."  In our weekly music class there was a hugely popular song (at our school) that all the kids would sing along to about some oddball superheros and the chorus went "Faster than a speeding hippo, stronger than an aging flea, taller than a Chinese bag-worm and thinner than... the Washington monument." after which my class took to calling out "Mike?" and turning to where I sat. I could go on indefinably.

No kid escapes his schooling without emotional baggage. Much of mine is centered around my stomach.  I am looking forward to life after food.

The Weasle Revelation

I had intended to begin this post talking about binge eating, being fat, some few of the trials and tribulations I have experienced and some of the things I am about to go through to bring an end to the heavy half of my life and learning to live lean...  And in preparation of this post I was foraging Google for reuse-licensed images of a literal glutton - the animal that as a child I was taught was about a picky an eater as a goat, and known to gorge itself until it was sick if enough food was available...

And I found images, indeed, but I also learned something that was revelationary.  The glutton goes by another name as well... one that has a very different reputation. Glutton is another name for a wolverine.

Yeah... the two different names for this creature invoke very distinct and dissimilar mental imagery, and suddenly, now I know that on my own weight loss journey I will be going from a glutton to a wolverine. I'll be the same me, but thought of differently.

This will not be a change in name alone. Not a re-branding or a PR shift.  Substantial and life-altering, surely, but at the core I will be the same as I have ever been... I will not, in fact, "be a new man," but rather "be a better me."

I can't wait for pants that don't have awkwardness at the pockets, being able to slip passed people in a crowd, not worrying if a chair can hold me, ache relief, energy renewal, better sleep, and greater social acceptance.

Coming soon to a body near you!

For the love of BACON!

(cc) cyclonebill - https://www.flickr.com/photos/cyclonebill/2222309331/

It may be true that bacon makes all things better, but I submit that a true baconite might not be able to, in good conscience, add bacon to many dishes at all. Sure bacon elevates your mac-n-cheese, or your salad or what have you... but really, is the end result better-than-bacon?  In many, maybe even most, cases you are degrading bacon's perfection in order to elevate some lowly foodstuff with bacon-ness. Why soil bacon with lesser foods?