On Stupidity

Today, I was teaching a customer how to operate the photo kiosk, and she apologized for being so stupid, and posited that it must drive me nuts dealing with stupid people, like her, all day long. Firstly, if helping my customers drove me to insanity, I would have had to choose between a career change and the madhouse long ago. Secondly, only a small portion of my day is actually spent assisting customers to place their orders. Producing the orders, order pickups, shipping and receiving vendor orders, cleaning, maintenance, and other tasks all take time too. Even if my job was primary manning the service counter, only a small portion of my customers need help in placing an order, so the annoyance factor is often negligible. Finally, I did not find her to be nearly as dunderheaded as she considered herself. Her questions were reasonable for someone using certain features of the equipment for the first time. Not everything the programmers included in the newest kiosk update is intuitive for everybody.

I get someone like her, making some comment like that nearly once a week. In some cases there is a certain amount of stuidity... or at least carelessness or inattention involved that required my intervention, but as often as not my customers confuse ignorance with stupidity.

Ignorance, unless willful, is a far sight different from stupidity, which would indicate to me an inability or unwillingness to either understand or retain a significant portion of information provided. Not knowing something is not an indicator that someone is stupid. Being unable or unwilling to learn something, might.

If you come in and have new questions for me every time you visit, I am unlikely to think you witless. If you come in often and ask the very same questions each and every time, you will be treated kindly and well served, but in the silence of my heart I may judge you to be simple.

Chicken Noodleless Soup for the Soul

Pangs of hunger persist.
I was feeling it pretty acutely by the time I got home from work tonight. I had jello in the fridge, so I ate that first, since it was ready. It was probably somewhere between 1 and 1 1/2 packages worth.  Then I nuked and salted a can of Swanson's low-sodium chicken broth. That seemed pretty tasty, so I did it again.

All told today's intake was:
3 packages (12 servings) of sugar free Jello
3 servings of Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard 100% Whey from Whey Isolates - French Vanillia
3/4 Gallon of filtered tap water
2 cans of Swanson's low-sodium chicken broth. + ~2 tbs salt.

So what's that? About 500 calories?  Doc probably actually expects me below that, I would guess.  That's a lot of Jello today. I was kinda playing with my Jello today; spooning it out of the middle instead of the edges, in such a way it would "sloorrrrup" as you pulled it out, then dug out from the bottom of my jello pit to see how long the overhang could hold on before it collapsed like a cliff being undercut by the sea. With my lunch Jello I used a knife to cut a checkerboard pattern into the jello, then tried to lift out ever other column.  What can I say... if the food can't TASTE interesting, perhaps it can be entertaining.


There was a Shake-up at work this week.  Some of the people up the food chain from me are being moved to other buildings and we are getting a new assistant manager in. It just dawned on me today that I need to nab a head shot of him for the security poster I maintain for the building, and need to edit the two that are leaving off of it.  I'll get on that this week.

My co-worker was a no-show for the electrical work again today. I ran into him at work, even though it was his day off, he needed to run some errands there today. He had a meeting he had to go to this morning. "I should have called and let you know, man. Sorry. But Monday for sure!" When did this meeting get set up? He asked me if Friday morning worked good for me just this Wednesday night. Oh well, I didn't really expect him to show anyway. I won't be offering him future projects.

STFU Scale

You know what? Screw you bathroom scale!
Today it said I was at 356. What? There is no feasible way.  Reset the scale and try again... 362... again -- 374.4. I tried 3 more time and it was all 374s after that... WTF was the deal with the first two readings, I mean... seriously.

Divine piggy

Yesterday I made my 2 year old a half Brobeck's-ham-salad sandwich for breakfast.  He ate about 2 bites and said he didn't want any more, he wanted some of my Jello instead.  I shared a few bites of my jello with him and asked if he was going to finish his sandwich, because if not we would have to throw it away.  "I do it!" he said, then tossed it in the garbage.  That stung a little. The ham salad from Brobeck's Barbeque is nearly a sacred thing. Prior to my mandatory diet, I would have finished it for him.

I made him another one today, which he ate entirely.  I noted how difficult it is to serve the ham salad to others without being able to partake. I could never work for Doug Brobeck now. Another challenge from today was the aroma of dinner in the oven.  It was basically a crust-less quiche; eggs, sausage, cheese, some kale, and seasoning. The wafting scent was mouthwatering... and I had some more chicken stock. All of my whey isolate today was well blended and cold; both make it more palatable.  I'm pretty sure the makers meant for it to be mixed with milk instead of water...   Hmm...  Might try it with orange flavored G2 Gatorade to see if it comes out ANYTHING AT ALL like the creamsicle Rum-orade I used to drink on the float trip... That sounds like a plan!

I must have plenty of protein in my system, I seem to be eliminating some of it when I urinate, as evidence by the exceptional frothy foam that now sometimes develops. It may have been in part because I hadn't had any actual water yet at that point in the day - just Jell-o, whey protein, and chicken stock. I drank 4 glasses of water and 2 bottles of water since, plus more of the proteiny things.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have a co-worker over to do some electrical work.  He's made plans to show up here about 10 times, and has made it out twice. Once to scope it out, and once to put in a 1/2 days worth of work. I'm not terribly confident he'll be here tomorrow.

Savor the Flavor

Well, I weighed in today and after nearly 3 food-less days (2 full days of a liquid diet and 1 day where I had to fast prior to a blood draw the day before my diet officially started, so just dinner that night) My undressed, post-potty weight this morning was 370.0, down from 397 dressed... hmm, what did I have in my pockets at the Doctor's office?

This morning the first thing I ate was one cup of Jello then I nuked up a mug of our homemade chicken stock.  I knew we didn't salt it when we made it, so I added plenty to my mug and mixed it in...  too much. It was like licking the flavor packet out of a pack of chicken ramen. Diluted it with about another 3/4 mug of stock and it was about right.  The chicken stock may be the most satisfying thing I've "eaten" so far on this liquid diet, and I think I get why.  There was two major differences between the stock and everything else.  First, it was hot.  My first hot meal in days. Second, it was savory. My protein powder has a vanilla flavor and all the jello is sweetened fruit flavors. Before all of this, I was always more prone to pick savory, meaty foods over desserts.  I like candy, icecream, pie, cake, et. al., but would usually choose another helping of meat and potatoes instead.

The Hunger Games - Day 2.

Today's high in KC was 70* with an expected overnight low of 40*
Tomorrow's forecast: high of 45*
Snow this weekend.

Well, today continued to suck... but it's sucking with a purpose.

Being on an all liquid diet means I used the restroom at each break today at work, and twice at the restaurant, and when I got home.  Food has perforated, penetrated, and permeated every thought today. I am an addict, I have no doubt. I wonder if food withdraw has any of the same symptoms that other drugs withdraws present. Food is a drug: a chemical substance used in the treatment, cure, prevention, or diagnosis of disease or used to otherwise enhance physical or mental well-being. I got Demian pretty good when he was popping cheezits like pills earlier today and I deadpaned, "Are you really just going to eat those in front of me right now?"  The bug-eyed look on his face when he was suddenly guilt-stricken for eating in front of the fat-man-stuck-on-an-all-liquid-diet was deliciously satisfying.  I only let him just begin his stammering apology before I let him know I was just messing with him.

My constant fat-man hunger gave way to EAT-YOU-DAMN-FOOL about 12:30 today... my lunch break wasn't until 1:40.  Next work day I need to consume something during my first break, I think. But nothing that takes too long to prepare and ingest, because I gotta leave time for peeing, too. My poor kidneys are going to have the biggest workout of their life.

The protein drink I mixed up at work today was the worst one yet. I couldn't get the clumps out... but my mustache strained the largest offenders from the mix... felt like it was full of boogers. I ripped several hairs out vigorously attacking the goop with a paper towel afterwards.  The peach jell-o was acceptable though.

Old Chicago wasn't awful. The waitress we've gotten most often recently, is a gal from my graduating class who, like me, was heavy then and as struggled with it since, and we had warned her about my dietary restrictions.  She's so proud of me. I'm an inspiration. She started a new weight management plan this week.  Anyway. My 3 glasses of ice-tea is on the okay list and I dumped some protein powder into a glass of water and choked that down, too. I let Matt and Ally, and James and Beth in on the fact that bariatric was looming. After dinner Sean and Xander played and played. They had a grand time together, really.

And for those of you who really want TMI, this morning marked the switchover to loose stools. Just one more indignity and discomfort to endure in order to make serious change a reality. My future holds far fewer broken toilet seats than my past. No more leaning against a car and collapsing it's fender. No more riding without buckling up because the seat belts won't fit. I can hardly imagine what an airline flight would be like without an extended girth-strap. The ability to slip between people in a crowd. Room for comfort at concerts, movies and live events -- which reminded me that Weird Al tickets are for sale... Hmm... $260 ea. for guaranteed seating in 1st 5 rows, center section, with a meet-and-greet with Al plus some signed merchandise. Tempting, but my wife might revolt... I should discuss this one with her.

I think I'll go enjoy the sublime torture of a litany of Weird Al food songs accompanied by belly rumbles before bed tonight!

Shot in KC - (c)2013 JMRjr

The journey of a thousand miles

Dr's visit yesterday was stupid.
I was an hour early, after having dropped off the boys at daycare.
I signed in, filled out some paper work.  About 20 minutes before my appointment they call me back to draw blood for my labs. Phlebotomist gushed about how great a vein she'd found to draw from... then missed. Eventually she has her vials full and I am back in the waiting room, waiting. 20 minutes after my appointment they call me back... but it's a doctors office, so there is nothing unexpected about that. They take my weight. 397lbs, dressed. That's 12 lbs heavier than was when I checked myself last week in my skimmies... but I don't think sweats and a tee weigh all that much, so I'm going to say this "last hurrah" eating may have been a little out of hand. They take my blood pressure and the nurse tells me the doc will be in to see me in a bit. After about 20 minutes of cell phone games pass, the nurse comes back in and says she needs this room to preform EKGs, since it has a table, and they are moving me to a room that doesn't have one. It's more than 30 minutes after that when Doctor Hoehn comes in to see me. "So, looks like we have you booked for the 10th. You start your liquid diet yet? Sounds great. You got any questions for me? Well then, lets knock this thing out of the park! See you in 2 weeks."
Couldn't I have handled that by phone.  I realize you had to draw labs today, but I really could have left after that.  Oh well.

For the next two weeks the most solid thing I'll be eating is Jell-O.  I have vanilla flavored Whey Isolate protein powder, that I can tell I'll be sick of by the end of this, to replace meals. And I am to consume no less than 64oz of "clear fluids" each day... and sugar-free Jell-O counts as a "clear fluid" but somehow vodka and light rum do not. Also on the OK list are broths, sugar-free sports drinks, crystal light and it's ilk, Iced tea, and of course, water.

Day one of that unpleasantness is nearly behind me  now. It was a day at home, feeding the kids without eating. Tomorrow I brave working in a grocery store with a food court, and going out to a restaurant without eating for the first time.

I'm told they will surgically remove my appetite at the end of this two weeks. If successful, a hungerectomy would exercise the greatest personal demon I face.  Not the only one, but the most critical.  I'm told that if I stick to the plan, that I could conceivably be a 200lb man someday. I'm not certain I can wrap my head around what that would be like. How that would feel.

Consumption has been tied to my identity so long, some of my friends are worried they won't know how to relate to me once I can no longer finish a pint of beer in less than a second... Sometimes their fondest memories of me where when I finished 10 of McDonald's double cheeseburgers though "Dave the Cave" thew in the towel after just 8 (one of mine was actually a triple... probably a mistake, surely the cook wasn't taking sides or placing bets); when I ate a third Chipotle burrito because the manager said It'd be on the house if I could. 2 1/2 large pizzas. 75 hotwings. 12 "blazin" wings in 42 seconds. Piles of this, gobs of that... times I had turned eating and drinking into an event.

In our highschool video it was nerds vs. jocks. I had some of the trappings of both sides, but really fit in better with the geeks, dweebs and dorks. So that's the side I was cast on, and in the training montage before the big showdown, my staring role was "no... no more... I can't... no..." and another nerd coaxing me on and handing me a snickers, which I shove in my face, gnash 3 or for times, then swallow mostly whole, as it pans out an you see piles of wrappers littering the area. That's what people think of when they think of me.

I was the slow fat kid on the swim team - the one leaving people gasping "why do Speedos even come in that size?" I got prank calls at home about that. In grade school, a nemesis of mine had taunted and teased me enough on one afternoon bus ride that I blew. I pinned him against the wall of the bus and punched him in the chest ribs and torso three, four, five times. "hit me again with those fat dough-y fists!" he chided. Instead of obliging I grabbed his head and rapped it against the window, spider-webbing the glass. Just then the bus driver pulled me off of him. Mom had to take me to school for 2 weeks. She was pissed.

My best friend in grade school was quite athletic. Along with being one of the fastest and strongest kids in our grade he could jump the highest and the farthest.  In an era of Michael Jordan worship, my buddy took the moniker "Air Rich." His heavy side kick? "Ground Mike."  In our weekly music class there was a hugely popular song (at our school) that all the kids would sing along to about some oddball superheros and the chorus went "Faster than a speeding hippo, stronger than an aging flea, taller than a Chinese bag-worm and thinner than... the Washington monument." after which my class took to calling out "Mike?" and turning to where I sat. I could go on indefinably.

No kid escapes his schooling without emotional baggage. Much of mine is centered around my stomach.  I am looking forward to life after food.

A long night.

My two year old refuses to sleep. We let him stay up a half hour past bedtime. We put him to bed and tuck him in. Ten minutes later he's laying at the edge of the hallway staring at us in the living room. Send him back to bed... and again... and again.  An hour and a half after our initial attempt at bedtime he lets me know he's pooped his diaper and needs a new one. An hour after that I find he's snuck into another room to play on the tablet Beeba and Papa got him for Christmas.  (The fact that my two year old got a tablet before I did could be the topic of a separate blog post sometime.) Back to bed and lock the tablet away. 11:30 at night he's up again, telling me his room is scary.

Behold the dreaded FireMonkey

!

"Your bedroom is scary?"
"Uh-huh"
"Why is your bedroom scary?"
"Fire-Monkey is scary, dada."
It took me a moment to remember that "Fire-Monkey" is his name for the humidifier in his room. Okay, perhaps a monkey with steam billowing from the top of his skull watching over you as you slumber might be unsettling, maybe. I go and show him how to turn the humidifier on and off, ask him if he wants it off tonight, and we leave him vaporless, pile blankies on the boy... again, wish him good night... again, and go back to hacking away at the interwebs for about another hour. I'm wrapping up and have heard not a yip from my son since we extinguished his monkey, I briefly considered that mayhap our issues had been resolved and he had drifted off to slumberland following my last intervention. Alas, as I headed to the restroom for my bedtime preparations, I realized things were amiss. The boy's bedroom door was ajar. I peeked in to find him absent from his "big-boy-bed." He wasn't playing in the bathroom, hadn't padfooted past me into the livingroom or guest room. There has been times where he as attempted to sneak into my wife's and my bedroom to sleep on the floor next to our bed, so I check there next... and the little cuss didn't settle for the floor...

No. He hauled his little ass up into our bed and nestled down into my spot! If I wake him, we might just go all night without any sleep! Well, at least he's unlikely to crap the bed since he just let loose a couple hours ago. I go pass out in the arm-chair in the corner. Toddlers are Assholes, but adorable assholes.

As cute as my kids are, and as biased as I am, the Cutest Toddler of the Day award would have to have been given to the 3 year old who's conversation with his father I overheard in a public restroom today.
"Gee Willikers!"
"Really? 'Gee Willikers'?"
"It means 'Wahoo!'"
"Wahoo?"
"Uh-huh, 'Gee Willikers' means 'Wahoo' in Spanish."
Aaaand I try to stifle a chuckle.

That was while I was on a 15 minute break at work... you want to know what no one needs to hear the moment they return to their department after a brief break like mine? "Oh thank Jesus you're back!" Yeah, I was nearly ready to about-face as soon as that left the mouth of my co-worker. Turns out he was just less than half competent and I could clean up his mess in about 60 seconds. It's not his fault he was incompetent, he hasn't been trained to work in my department, but they botched the break schedule and they needed a warm body to stand in for me, and Jordan got the short straw.

One Down, 364 to Go!

Yesterday and today were pleasant enough ways to close out one year and kick off the next. The party was kid friendly, but ours went napless and was suffering a thermonuclear meltdown by 10pm, so we took him and his brother home to their beds.  Today, most of the party reconvened at the Palace Pearson to lay plans for world domination. Beth sat in silent disapproval of our cult-building approach, but some solid ideas were floated. Of particular note was the concept of "Pithing" instead of 1/10 of our "flock's" income supporting the "church" we would ask parishioners to contribute 3.14159265359% of their "first fruits" to us.  Additionally our doorknockers would come with bottles of wine.  Communion for kids - Grape soda and doughnut holes; for adults a wide selection of wines from a Coke-freestyle-like dispenser and Fazoli's bread sticks. Also, officials who embarrass our organization by doing stupid crap like abusing kiddos are being ousted hard...  Public stoning is the plan, but we need to avoid murder until at least a few of the world governments are under our control, so we don't get shut down.  So excommunication, shunning, and exile are our go-to's for the time being.

As planning became real work and Beth became less and less amused by our blasphemy, we moved on to playing Kevin's zombie board game.  Cult still needs core tenets, a website, and a name... maybe tomorrow.

When I got home, it was brought to my attention that my nipples made it to Not Always Right! A banner day, indeed!

Weighed in today at 382 lbs.
 That will be dropping soon.